A Really Bad Day in Vice City
by Boadicia
Summary: This is the twisted tale of Cassandra, an everyday citizen of Vice City who's having a really bad day.
1. Breakfast

Breakfast  
  
My name is Cassandra, and I hate living in Vice City. Today has been a really bad day. Why? Come closer, and I'll tell you. It all started this morning when I went downstairs for breakfast. My lousy no good husband was down there helping himself to some Ramen Noodles. He never trusted my cooking. I think it has something to do with the strychnine I keep under the sink. Anyway, I went downstairs for breakfast, and guess what that bastard had the nerve to say to me.

"I want a divorce."

Needless to say, I was a little more than upset. I was feeling homicidal. "You what?"

"I want a divorce."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"Well, you won't get one."

"Why not?"

"You won't need one." I punched him right in his face. Then I kicked him until a pool of blood appeared under him. I realized then that I needed to get out of the house. For good measure, I grabbed a knife from the knife rack. Then I took the bundle of money that was floating over my former husband's body.

I went outside and remembered the car wasn't working, so I stepped into the street. An old woman stopped her Buick right before she could hit me. I opened the door and pulled her out. When I got inside, she began to complain. I couldn't just leave her there in the middle of the street, so I ran over her. I got out to grab the money floating over her body. Then I ran over her again on my way to the post office.

When I got inside the post office, I knew this was going to be a bad day. There was a line so long it went around the block twice. I had a package to mail. I couldn't wait. I pulled out a Playstation 2 controller and quickly put in the weapons cheat code. Then I reached into my infinitely deep pockets and pulled out a grenade. I pushed my way to the front of the line. All I had to do was wave the grenade in front of the man's face at the counter, and you wouldn't believe how nice he was. He was absolutely eager to take my package and mail it off for me.  
When I walked out of the building, I decided that, because the man was so nice, I didn't need the grenade after all. I threw it over my shoulder and got into my car. When I drove down the street, imagine my surprise when the post office blew up. It's a good thing I got out when I did. I've always heard stories about post office employees going postal.

My stomach began to rumble. I decided then to go to McDougal's. On the way there, I discovered a traffic jam. There must have been an accident up ahead. Well, I was hungry and wasn't going to wait around because some idiot couldn't drive. I put the car in reverse to drive back a few feet. Then I put it in drive and drove onto the sidewalk. People were screaming and running as I drove down the sidewalk. I honked my horn at them. It's bad enough that they were so rude, they wouldn't even get out of the way as I sped down the sidewalk. What else is a sidewalk for? A few of them flew across my windshield. I should sue.

When I reached open road, I continued on my way to McDougal's. I turned on the radio. An old Black Sabbath jam was playing, so I started bopping my head. Yeah! A minute or so into the song, the radio suddenly began playing Phil Collins of Genesis.

"Hey! I wasn't listening to that!" I tried changing the station, but each one was playing Phil Collins. I looked up to see a convertible flying past me on the road. I got a close enough look to recognize who was in the car. It was Sonny Crockett and Rico Tubbs!

"Oh no!" I shouted. "They are not going to ruin my musical relaxation!"

I sped up enough to rear end the convertible. They tried to evade me. They even drove into oncoming traffic, but I refused to be left behind. I continued chasing them and ramming into the car until both of our cars caught on fire. I rammed into them one last time so their car was wedged between mine and a building. Then I got out and ran as if someone were trying to kill me. Both cars blew up. The force of it threw me to the ground. My health meter dropped to 70. How dare they! They made me blow up my car! I should sue!

I knew exactly what I needed to fix myself right up. I waited until a nice Mercedes-Benz came my way. Then I jumped into the road. The rider stopped, as expected. I pulled him out, beat him down, took the bundle of money floating over his body, and drove off.

I decided to head for the bad part of town over the bridge. When I got onto the bridge, time suddenly stopped. I got out of the car to see what the heck was going on. Above me, written on the air, was the word "Loading."

"Oh," I said. "That explains it." I got back into the car and waited for the loading screen to disappear. Then I was back on the road. I turned a corner and slowed down. There were hookers everywhere. Since I'm not a lesbian, I ignored them.

Then I saw the most handsome man ever created. I drove up to him and waved a hundred dollar bill towards him. Without asking for anything, he jumped into the car. I drove into an alley. Then we jumped up and down in the seats to make the car bounce. My health meter ran up until it reached 100.

"How much?," I asked.

"That will be 300 bucks," he said.

I pulled out $300. He took it and walked out of the car. When he got into the perfect position, I put the car into reverse and ran over him. As any good citizen of Vice City would do, I took the $300 floating over him and drove away.

"Finally," I shouted, "I can get some food!"

I finally made it to McDougal's. As was the problem before, there were long lines. There was no way I would put up with that again, but I'd used my only grenade at the post office. I reached into my infinitely deep pockets and pulled out a machine gun. I began mowing customers down like grass.

When there was no one else in my way, I went to the counter. "I want a number five combo." I was amazed at how fast they were working in the kitchen to get my food. When the man at the counter gave me my food, I said, "You never told me how much it costs."

"It's free," he said in a squeaky voice.

"Well, it's nice to see someone being cooperative today." I sat down to eat. Just as I was finishing my chicken nuggets, a police car showed up. "What the hell?" I looked up and saw two stars in my arrest meter. "Oh, damn!"

I grabbed my machine gun. "You'll never take me alive!" Each cop that came into the restaurant was greeted by a hail of bullets. I saw my arrest meter go up to four stars. Just then, I heard a helicopter overhead. I reached into my infinitely deep pockets and pulled out a rocket launcher. Standing at a safe distance, I shot at the police cars. When they finished exploding, I ran outside and aimed at the helicopter. The rocket hit it head on. The flaming mass of metal fell onto McDougal's. They both went up in smoke.

"Hey!" I shouted. "My food is still in there! I should sue!"

My arrest meter made it to an astounding six stars. A tank rolled my way. I avoided it in time. Then I pulled the driver out, stomped on him, took his money, and jumped into the tank.  
Driving through the city in a tank was the most fun I ever had. More cops and helicopters came for me, but they were no match for my tank. I drove over every car I could see, even parked ones. I pushed the tank to its limits, but it could go only so fast. I drove all over the road. I slid across some grass while trying to make a turn. I lost control of the tank and careened into the nearby ocean. I floated out of the tank. Much to my surprise, when I reached the surface, the word "Wasted!" was in front of me.

"Hey, you bastards!" I yelled. "I know how to swim!" The word still hung there. Then everything went black. When it cleared up, I was standing in front of the hospital. I realized all my weapons were gone, and I was missing some money. I earned that money fair and square, and the hospital robbed me!

"I'll show you!"

I found an empty ambulance in the parking lot. I jumped inside and drove off. More pedestrians decided to make driving difficult for me. I turned on the radio. My favorite show, hosted by Maurice Chavez, was on the air. That kooky preacher who was trying to build a giant statue to fly through space was a guest again. That drugged up mother was on the air also. I decided to do the world a favor and pay them a visit.


	2. Video Killed the Radio Star

Video Killed the Radio Star  
  
I turned on the ambulance siren and pushed the accelerator as far as it would go. Cars and pedestrians flew in every direction as they ran into me. You think they would be kind enough to get out of the way when they saw me coming. I must admit, it was fun to listen to the idiots scream and crunch under the ambulance. (Oh, wait. That was when I drove that tank while I was living in St. Petersburg in Goldeneye 007.)

Anyway, I continued until I found the radio station. There were, naturally, people in front who decided it was a good idea to stand in front of the ambulance. I hardly noticed them as I plowed through the wall. Concrete flew in all directions as I drove right towards the recording area. When I saw the door, I decided to be civil and walk in. I jumped out of the ambulance. Suddenly, I remembered that I'd already been Wasted!, so I pulled out my Playstation 2 controller and put the weapons cheat code in again. I reached into my infinitely deep pockets and pulled out a machine gun. I decided that a machine gun was too informal, so I put it back into my pocket and pulled out a Glock.

I took a deep breath and walked into the recording area. When the door flung open, everyone stopped talking and stared at me. When the drugged up mother saw my gun, she screamed. Her high pitched squeal startled me, so I dropped the gun. I swear, I don't know how it happened, but the gun went off. The bullet hit the preacher right between the eyes. Imagine my embarrassment! The mother pulled out a bottle of downers and scarfed down a handful of blue pills.

I picked the gun up. "Sorry," I said with a shrug.

There was a long silence before Maurice Chavez spoke. "Don't worry about it. I never liked him anyway."

"I'm glad to hear it." I waved my hands around to show my gratitude. Everyone in the room screamed and ducked. So much for being friendly.

Maurice stood with both hands held out. "Why don't you just sit down and talk with us?" He motioned for the seat that supported the former preacher.

I was flattered. "Me? You want me on your show?" Maurice nodded. "All right!" I went to the chair and pushed the preacher over. I sat down with the gun still in my hand. "What's up Vice City!" I screamed into the microphone.

The druggie took another handful of pills, only this time the pills were red. "Going down the rabbit hole?" I asked. She looked at me as if I were insane before popping one final pill.

"So," Maurice began, "tell us who you are and why you're here."

I propped my elbow on the table. "Well, today has been a really bad day. You wouldn't believe how crazy the people in this city are. It's not safe for me just to drive anymore."

"You're the dangerous one," Miss Downer said.

I glared at her. "Excuse me?" The gun in my hand drooped slightly.

The woman looked at it with wide eyes. "Uh, never mind."

I grabbed her arm and shook it. "I know you said something, bitch! I ain't no punk! Say it to my face!" She screamed and pulled away. Frustrated, I turned to Maurice. "You see, Maurice?" I asked while flailing my arms. "People just don't have manners anymore!"

I guess I scared him. He dove for the floor. I didn't feel very happy. "I'm ashamed of you, Maurice. Is this how you welcome a guest?" I pulled out a flamethrower. "Say hello to my little friend!"

I stood and swept the room with fire. I payed particularly close attention to the drugged up woman on the floor. It was funny watching her run around screaming. "Well, I guess my work here is done." I ran from the studio with the flamethrower still in hand. "Kiss my ass, Vice City!" I ran up and down the streets shooting cars with the flamethrower. Pedestrians doing impersonations of Richard Pryor trying to commit suicide were running up and down the street with me.

I contimued running in one direction until I saw a club straight ahead. It was already open. I decided it was time for a little diversion. This club was notorious for going crazy. I'd fit right in. I walked up to the front, where a big burly gorilla pretending to be a bouncer was guarding the entrance. As soon as it was obvious I was headed his way, he stepped in front of me and held his arm up.

"Where the hell are you going?" he asked.

"Where does it look like I'm going?" I held the flamethrower up to emphasize my point. He didn't seem bright enough to pick up on the hint.

"I hope you're trying to get in here."

"Why not? It's still early. The freaks don't come out for another few hours."

"Then you're not getting in."

"Fine." I turned away as if to leave. When I was at a safe distance, I turned and lit him up like the Christmas tree in the middle of the Rockefeller Center. The smell of hickory smoked primate filled my nostrils as he conveniently ran from the door.

(Disclaimer: In no way am I advocating cannibalism or the destruction of the rainforests or the primates who live in them. Environmental protection is very important to me, but this one in particular had to go! We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.)

I stepped to the door and kicked it open. I walked right past the counter at the entrance and into the main area. The place was full of fools dancing to some song by Flock of Seagulls. Fighting the urge to puke, I ran to the DJ box and made a request. When he refused, I seized the record needle and scratched it across the vinyl. The song came to a screeching halt. I shoved the end of the flamethrower into the DJ's face. My trigger finger was really starting to itch. Taking the hint very well, the removed the scratched record. He placed another record in its place and set the needle. The song began to play over the speakers.  
  
_I'm just an average guy, with an average life I work from 9 to 5, hell yeah I pay the price  
_  
I pulled the flame thrower away. When the people on the dance floor protested, I casually pointed the flamethrower at some hapless idiot and set him on fire. He did his Richard Pryor impression running throughout the club and took a few people with him. Everyone took off in every direction screaming at the top of their lungs. I stayed where I was listening to the music.  
  
_I always feel like somebody's watching me And I have no privacy Ooh, I always feel like somebody's watching me Maybe it was just a dream  
_  
When the song was done, I smashed the turntable with the flamethrower and jumped onto the dance floor. I ran all around with flames shooting. I was finally starting to break a sweat. Giggling like an idiot, I ran out of the club before the whole place was set aflame on top of me.

As I tried to cross the street, everything suddenly stopped in time. I looked up in search of another Loading sign, but there was none. There was only one other explanation. The game had frozen. I went up to the television screen and knocked on it.

"Hey!" I called out to the idiot playing the game. "The game froze! Don't you clean your discs!"  
Obviously embarrassed, the kid opened the Playstation 2 and removed the disc. He cleaned it with a damp, lint free cloth. (Remember, kids, wipe from center to edge!) Then he placed it back into the console, reset it, and loaded the game data. I ended up back outside the club. The gorilla of a bouncer was once again standing at the entrance. Frustrated, I pulled out my controller and put the weapons cheat mode in again. Then I pulled out a grenade and threw it at the bouncer. Then I ran as if hitmen were after me before the place blew. I laughed wickedly as I jumped into the street to hijack another car.


	3. Little Squirrel Goes Wheeee!

Little Squirrel Goes "Wheeee!"  
  
I ran around the side of the car and pulled the man out. To my surprise, he slapped me. I slapped him back. He slapped me back. I pulled out the machine gun and shoved it up his nose. He screamed and ran away.

"Another satisfied customer." I decided it would be fun to get my arrest meter up again. I jumped into the car and drove off. I saw a group of Cuban gangsters loitering on a corner. I shot at them through the passenger window. A few of them managed to avoid the bullets. I simply backed up over them. I grabbed their money and continued down the street. I smashed as many cars as I could until my own car caught on fire.

"Not again!" I jumped from the car and ran to the other side of the street. Just my luck, and gang of Haitians was on the other side. I started shooting at them and running from the accident at the same time. A few of the gangsters came after me. The car exploded at the perfect time. Burning body parts flew through the air and rained onto the street.

Laughing hysterically, I ran through the streets just shooting at people, regardless of whether they were gangsters, but I did target the gangsters for weapons. I ran to an old woman and kicked her until she was lying in a puddle of blood. I beat a prostitute with a baseball bat. The prostitutes had the most money.

"Wait a minute." I reached into my infinitely deep pockets and pulled out a chainsaw. I swung it around like Leatherface and ran up the street. A man in a bright Hawaiian shirt walked towards me as if he didn't notice I was on a killing spree. I hacked him up quite nicely.

"Whee!" I sang as I slaughtered every person who came my way. Eventually, I began to hear a guitar in the distance. "What the hell?" I turned off the chainsaw and looked in every direction. The sound of the guitar got closer until I heard someone yell, "Whee!" I nearly dropped the chainsaw onto my foot when I saw the source of the music.

A little brown squirrel was bouncing up and down in the middle of the street. It was playing an acoustic guitar and singing.

"We love the subs!" it sang.

"What?" I asked.

"We love the subs!"

"Huh?"

"Tasty heaven!"

"Excuse me?"

"We are not the Huns!"

"The who?"

"Beware of paper cuts!"

"Why?"

"The joy is in our hearts!"

"Are you preaching at me?"

"Eat Quizno subs!"

"I'll eat whatever the hell I want!"

The squirrel stopped playing. "What?"

"Huh?"

"What did you say?"

"Are you on drugs?"

The squirrel began playing a different song. "Whee!"

"Drugs are bad, mmkay?"

"What if you want to go 'Whee!' but you ain't got drugs yet!"

"You need to stay off that mary ju-anna!"

"Just hang on to your gonads and strife!"

I watched in horror as the little drugged up squirrel sang about gonads and strife and gonads in lightning. I was hypnotized by its rhythmic bouncing up and down and up and down on its nearly invisible little legs.

"Stop singing!" I finally managed to say.

The squirrel began a completely different song. "Ass and titties! Ass and titties!"

"No!" I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled on the string to rev up the chainsaw. I was in a total panic. I had to get rid of that rodent and save what was left of my sanity. Imagine my surprise when another squirrel showed up. This one was red and wore a blue jacket with yellow shoes. There was a crown on his head. A large button with a B appeared in the middle of the street. The red squirrel stepped onto the button. A glowing lightbulb appeared over its head. The red squirrel pulled out some Everclear and a Coke, mixed the two, and drank it. Surprised that it didn't kill him, I took a giant step back from the street as the red squirrel unzipped itself and released a stream of urine onto the singing squirrel.

The singing squirrel instantly stopped singing and turned to the red squirrel. "Hey mother (beep beep)! What the hell do you think you're doing!"

The drunk red squirrel pulled out a glass of seltzer water and drank it. His eyes cleared as he instantly sobered up. He politely walked out of the street, and not a moment too soon. A city bus sped down the street. As it continued down the street, all that was left of the little brown squirrel was his broken guitar.

"Whoa," I said. "That rocked."

"Yeah," the red squirrel said, "just another day in my life."

"Who are you?"

"My name is Conker. Conker the Squirrel."

"Conker? You're on the wrong console. Aren't you supposed to be on the Nintendo 64?"

"I was, but Rare moved to Microsoft. Soon I'll be on the Xbox."

"Either way, you're in the wrong spot. This is a Playstation 2."

"Oh. Thanks." Conker turned and continued walking. A rolling barrel appeared on the sidewalk. Two big white eyes appeared from within the barrel.

"Want a ride?" the barrel asked. "It'll cost $2100." Conker pulled out a wad of money, hopped onto the barrel, and rolled away.

I shook my head. "There's something you don't see everyday."


	4. Dawn of the Dimwits

Dawn of the Dimwits  
  
I decided I was tired of causing mayhem in the streets. I decided it would be more fun to do it in a shopping mall. As usual, I stole another car from the street and headed straight for the Vice City Shopping Center. I had to go through two loading screens to get there, but I made it with only two stars in my arrest meter. At first, I thought it would be just another stint in the mall. Boy, was I wrong!

The parking lot was full of cars, but there was no one around. Some of the cars were turned over. Others were on fire. Even more appeared to have been in collisions. On the front of the mall was a large sign written in leaking red ink--When Hell is full, the dead will walk the earth.

"Damn," I said. "Someone must have beat me to it." Making sure that my arsenal was full, I decided to start slow this time and pulled out the baseball bat. I got out of the car and ran straight into the mall while screeching like an Amazon.

Imagine my surprise when I realized that no one was in the mall. The place was dead empty. Well, it was empty, or so I thought. All I could hear was the annoying mall music playing in the background. The escalators still worked, so I hopped onto one and headed for the second floor. When I got there, there was still no one around.

"Where the hell is everybody?" I then heard something fall over downstairs. I went to a rail and looked over. I saw some idiot walking around as if he were drunk. He had knocked over some mannequins in a display in the middle of the building. "Dumbass," I said to myself. "Hey!" I called down. "What the hell is your problem?"

The person stopped and turned to look up at me. He didn't look too healthy. His skin was blue and peeling in several places. That was one hell of a sunburn. His hair was a mess. The only sound that came out of him was a low moaning. If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was a zombie.

"Oh, you're going down."

I heard some shuffling behind me. I turned and saw someone approaching me. This guy had obviously been dead for some time. He even smelled rotten. I caught on pretty quickly. "Oh, no you don't!" He reached out as if to grab me. I swung with the baseball bat and hit him right across the head. His head soared over the railing while his body shuffled around some more. I wisely took the opportunity to run for it.

There was an elevator straight ahead. I reached for the button, then stopped short of pressing it. In these situations, elevators were death traps. The idiot playing this game had enough movies and played Resident Evil: Code Veronica X enough times for me to know. I whipped out my trusty flame-thrower, hit the button, and stood back. To my disappointment, the elevator had humans in it. I lowered the flame-thrower so they'd stop screaming at me.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked. One of them jumped up and down and pointed behind me. I turned and lit up the bastard behind me. The zombie actually screamed and ran away, or rather shuffled as fast as it could manage, in the other direction.

One of the people in the elevator stepped out and shot the zombie in the head. "Come on," he said. "Let's get to the hide out." I didn't bother to ask any questions or even wait for an invitation. I followed them to a hobby store. The leader lifted the gate, let everyone into the store, and lowered the gate. Someone went into the back and switched on the lights.

"Okay," I said. "Will someone finally tell me what's going on?"

The woman beside me shivered. "It's the end of the world!" she screeched. "Hell is full, and the dead are walking the earth."

"You've got to be kidding me," I said.

"No," she said. "I'm serious. Didn't you see what's going on out there? They're trying to eat us. If any of us dies, we'll become one of them, too. I had to shoot my own children because they were trying to eat me."

"Are you sure they weren't just telling you how much they hate you?"

The woman lifted her head. "Why would they do that? I was just taking them underwear shopping. Every teenager needs a decent pair of underwear, even if it is frilly with lace. What would they be protesting?"

I rolled my eyes. "You just answered your own question."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing." I turned to the man who had let us into the shop. "What about you?"

"I had to shoot my roommate. He really reeked, as if he'd been dead for several hours. When I went into his room, he reached out for me and started moaning. There was no way in hell I'd let him have his way with me, so I shot him right then and there."

I had heard enough. "There's nothing going on in my part of the city. Today has been pretty typical for me."

"It's a conspiracy!" the woman shouted. "The government is covering up something!"

"Whatever." I walked over to an aisle and looked over some role- playing games. I found the latest edition of Dungeons and Dragons. "Hey! Does anyone want to play?" That quickly softened up the mood. I automatically became the Dungeon Master. My character was a female chaotic good half-elf ranger named Aerowyn. (Pronounce that however you wish.) The woman who shot her children, Cammy, made a female chaotic evil dwarf paladin named Koren.

"You can't make her chaotic evil," I said.

"Why not?"

"Because my character is chaotic good. They would never get along."

"Says who?"

"Says me. I'm the Dungeon Master!"

"Fine! I'll make her lawful evil then!"

"You live to irritate, don't you?"

The man, Mikey, made a male lawful good human sorcerer named Garek. After getting the character details out of the way, I decided the first adventure would center around storming a labyrinth for some gold. Needless to say, I goaded Cammy into every single booby trap I could think of. She finally lost it when her character was killed by a dragon.

"That's it!" she said. "Mikey, cast the Resurrection spell."

"He can't," I said.

"Why not?"

"He doesn't have the skill. You're dead, dead, dead. Your only option is to create a new character."

Our conversation was interrupted by a banging on the metal barrier at the front of the store. A zombie was beating on it. Thank goodness he was too stupid to figure out what he was doing. Regardless, I whipped out the flame-thrower and lit him up. He shuffled away in flames while moaning and groaning the whole time.

"Eat that dead head!"

"Dammit!" Mikey said. "Now they know where we are!"

We watched in horror as more of the bastards congregated outside the store. "Now what!" Cammy said. "There's no way we can get out of here. We can't get past them." The zombies began pushing against the barrier. It was ready to give way under the force. Cammy began to panic. She whipped out a gun and began shooting at them. When she ran out of bullets, she threw it at them.

"Where did you get that gun?" I asked.

"You're not the only one with a Playstation 2 controller." She whipped it out and began putting in a code to restore the gun she lost. I grabbed the controller and threw it at the zombies. The woman ran after it. When she was close enough, one of the zombies reached out and grabbed her. Acting quickly, I pulled out the baseball bat and began whacking. It wasn't until a few minutes later I realized I'd been whacking only Cammy. The zombie released her and let her drop.

"Hey bitch," the zombie said in slurred speech, "what the hell did you do that for?"

I was surprised that the zombie could talk at all. "What did you say?"

"You killed the bitch. Good for you."

I was really confused. "Since when did zombies talk?"

"Zombies? Where?" The zombie looked all around but apparently didn't see the other zombies around him. "I don't see no damn zombies."

I waved a hand at the others around him. "What the hell do you call this?"

"Huh? Oh, these are my buddies from that banging party last night."

"Now I'm really confused. What were you doing at a party?"

The zombie staggered a bit. "We were throwing a banging party last night. The hobos didn't want to do it in the street, so we broke into the mall last night, got drunk as hell, and threw a party."

"You mean, you're not the walking dead?"

"Walking dead? Where?"

I slapped my forehead in frustration. "Well, that explains the bad clothes, the bad smells, and the bad behavior. They're just a bunch of hobos who threw a party in the mall and got drunk."

Mikey pulled out his gun. "Let's kill them!" He shot at everyone he could see. When he ran out of bullets, he grabbed a machete out of Cammy's infinitely deep pockets and began hacking away. When the final hobo was down, he opened the barrier and ran off. I stepped out, aimed, and shot him through the back of the head. I grabbed the Dungeons and Dragon book and walked out of the mall. Every drunk hobo that came my way was greeted with a bullet. When I stepped outside, I realized I was tired and wanted to go home. Go figure. It was starting to get dark. I looked at my watch and realized it was almost time for dinner.


	5. Epilogue Quickie: Smack My Bitch Up

Epilogue Quickie: Smack My Bitch Up  
  
I hopped into the nearest car the had the least amount of damage and drove off. The sun was setting, and the day was starting to wind down. I quickly became bored. I decided it was time to go home and relax. I drove past McDougal's in the process. It was still on fire.

"Food! I haven't eaten since breakfast!" I decided that McDougal's was a lost cause. I still hadn't found a lawyer to sue them for blowing up with my food inside. It was a better idea to go grocery shopping and fix something at home.

I pulled up to Food Kitty and parked in a handicapped zone. I went inside, grabbed a cart, and ran off into the produce section. I ran all around in hopes of grabbing the best of each food group. My cart was almost full when I realized I didn't have any dessert. I decided on ice cream and pushed my protesting cart towards the dairy section.

Much to my surprise and dismay, there was only one box of moose tracks left. Another woman was holding it and preparing to put it into her cart. "Hey!" I yelled at her. "Those moose tracks are mine!"

The woman held the box of ice cream up. "If you want this ice cream, you'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands."

"Consider it done!" I stepped in front of my grocery cart. To my delight, a new song began to play over the store's intercom. It was Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting by Warr. As the music began, I ran towards the woman and delivered a high kick to her jaw. The box of ice cream flew through the air and landed among the milk.

I threw a punch at the woman. She blocked and punched me in my abdomen. I picked her up and threw her to the floor. I ran for the milk. She grabbed my ankle to trip me. When I stood, I saw her standing with several packs of Jell-O. She threw each pack at me one by one. As each pack flew over me in slow motion, I leaned backwards, flailing my arms as each one flew over me. When the last pack flew past, I stood straight.

"Is that the best you got!" I yelled. I ran towards her and jumped into the air with my arms out to my side. I stopped in mid air, checked my nails, straightened my hair, and kicked out. My foot hit her right in her face. She fell backwards in slow motion. We both hit the floor at the same time. She bounced a few times before getting up.

The woman ran to the meat section and returned with linked sausages. She swung them around like nunchakus. "You have offended me!" she yelled at me.

"Oh yeah. Offend this!" I flipped through the air while screaming, "Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!" I landed in front of her with a kick to her head.

She spun around to regain her balance. Her sausages had broken. "That was quite impressive."  
"I have many skills." I grabbed one of the sausage links and began swinging it around. We sparred with the sausages. Frozen food was thrown and knocked over in every way imaginable.

Much to our surprise, a little girl arrived in the aisle carrying an armful of Little Debbie snacks.  
"Mommy!"

The woman and I stopped fighting and hid the sausages behind our backs. "Hey baby," the woman said. "This is my friend."

The woman looked at me as if asking my name. I said, "Cassandra," but my voice was covered by a loud blaring over the intercom.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Uh, yeah." The little girl placed the boxes into her mother's shopping cart.

"Go look for some apples." The little girl just stood there. Her mother kneeled before her. "I said go get some apples." The little girl looked at me before finally leaving turning to leave. "Shall we continue?" the woman asked.

"I don't care. If you want to stick to your sausage, that's fine by me."

"Whatever, bitch." The woman went to the dairy section to grab another box of ice cream. Suddenly, she turned and threw the ice cream at me. I reacted quickly and threw the sausage at her. It bounced off her head. She fell over unconscious. I gasped when, at that very moment, the little girl returned.

"I was hoping I didn't have to do that in front of you," I said to the girl. "Believe me when I say your mother had it coming. If, in the future, you still feel raw about it, I really don't give a damn." I snatched the bundle of money floating over her body. Then I grabbed the box of moose tracks ice cream from among the milk, placed it into my shopping cart, and walked off.

I went to the counter and patiently waited for my turn to pay. When the cashier finished ringing up my purchase, I said calmly, "I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, the frozen food aisle needs a serious cleanup. The good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

I grabbed my food and got the hell out of there. When I got home, I carried each bag into the house one at I time. I jumped when I saw my husband's body still lying on the floor.

"Oh my god! His body!" Then I heard some dramatic Duh Duh Duuuuuuuuh! music play in the background.

I had forgotten about it completely. I had to get rid of it. Thinking quickly, I dragged it into the back yard, piled a bunch of leaves on top, and burned it. I went inside and heard someone knocking at my door. I opened it and was greeted by my annoying next door neighbor.

"Hidie ho!" he said as he waved his hand over his head. The top of his head flopped up and down as he talked. If I slid a piece of paper into his mouth, it would slide straight through his head.

"What do you want?"

"I saw that fire out back. Having a camp out?"

Watching his head flop up and down made me shudder. I wanted to smack him, then thought better of it. "Yeah. Help yourself."

He walked into the house. His wife and all two point three children followed him. One of the children had a peanut stuck in its head. They walked into the yard and sat around making smores. One of the children picked up a younger child and said, "Let's play Kick the Baby."

The baby's head flopped around as it said, "Don't kick the goddamn baby."

"Kick the Baby." The older one kicked the baby straight into the fire. The top half of its head flopped out of the fire and rolled across the yard.

I didn't care. I ran upstairs and flopped onto the bed. I was too tired to even eat that night. The smell of human smoked marshmallows wafted through my window. It was a crappy ending to a crappy day. I don't care what you think. In the immortal words of Mrs. Foley's baby boy, "Have a nice day!"


End file.
